High School Roast


Will Big Halo go crazy, freak out?
Like a schizo on wheels rolling down the Alps?
Willy Tiny Youth’s brave be under the pavement?
We huddle for position as eyes form a circle,
On the grounds of the ‘Imperial’ two feared cocks meet.
Shells will settle this war.  Smoke!
The Tiny Youth draws:

“Your half mast pants waiting for a flood?
And your shoes are holy like the Bible.
Are they four stripe trainers, rip one off!
Then they might pass for Adidas.
Your neck collar is dirty like a porn star.
Is that a sheep bursting through your old padded coat?
So home take your smelly butt and stitch it up…”

“Me await a flood?  Yeah, your’e right.
Though the nylon gathering at your feet
Shows it long passed.  Your tight nylon pants
Stuck up your cheeks – Barry Sheene skids in your brief!
Your brief ‘s skiddy and dangerous like an ice rink!
So skate your brief home and scrub Daz in the sink…”

“Your head is tough like a coconut.
And that hair is rougher than a ghetto!
Knocking out teeth on afro-combs, and
Your skin bumpier than gravel stones!
Your face is dark like Darth Vader.
And did Moses part that gap in your teeth?
I smell the cesspit pooling from your mouth
Take your scent to the sewer
Where your bad breath belongs…”

“On your head sits a drenched black poodle.
And your skin is tougher than Bruce Lee.
That face is rounder than a full waxed moon and
Your skin is dry like sand.  Your teeth resemble
Mouldy cheese and your breath is even badder
Than Hitler!  So take your moon face camouflaged
As an eclipse and hide on the dark side equator…”

“Your mother is dirty, paid every Tuesday,
The post man drops the wages in her sack.
And your father is a dosser, lazier than dole,
Drinks beer, forces farts with remote
His all day role!  And that shack you live in is dusty.
Dustier than a speedway track.  So take your
Double-barrel nostril nose and go do some hoovering up…”

“There are cracks in my shack, on the ceilings, on the wall,
I will fill them with polyfilla, when I see your mother –
Scraping that cake off her wrinkly crinkly face.
And your bald headed father reminds of a Buzzard!
Searching for carcass on the African plains!  Your’e
Soft and boring like porridge.  So in your lunch box
Pack your cheesy snack lyrics
And go hold down your snake of drool – fool!”

The circle stays silent.  We dare not laugh!
At exploding shells on full hardened cocks.
Mr Brown, adjudicator, judges – and declares!
Slowly raising the arm of the winner who bops
And breaks the circle, fifty pats on his back.
The shelled cock leaves with Jack.


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